The Modern Times

Not quite

2011-11-14T20:41:00.001-06:00

I spent a few minutes trying to tape this to my wallet in a just-so kind of way, thinking about what my finest talents are. After a few minutes and a few pieces of tape I realized that this was not a good example.

Guest blogger

2011-09-23T00:32:00.001-05:00

Meow mew mew meow mwrwrwwrow.

Time to go

2011-09-20T01:16:00.001-05:00

I need a haircut. It's ridiculous. I wish i could get it cut to a certain length and it would stay that length forever. And a shave. I look like a bum...

No More Surprises

2011-04-26T09:33:00.000-05:00

The People shopped for food except on some days they found themselves buying a little more.

The streets began to empty earlier and the neighborhoods were quiet as night fell.

Everyone began to spend more time in their homes.

Everything seemed to stop for a while.

But the People heard about strange things that were going on.

Rumors started and spread that the Leaders possessed Something that had created this unease.

The Leaders became angry. They suspected that the People would find out eventually.

Some insisted that the People didn't have a right to know about It.

But soon It was in the newspapers.

It was something powerful.

It was something terrible.

The media crackled with the voices of Experts claimed to be part of a secret project. They spoke of horrible scenarios that could occur and dire predictions about the fate of the Nation and the People.

It was on the lips of every Man and Woman in the street.

Days and nights passed and life resumed but there was a suspicious air hanging all around.

At home the men stood at the windows and on the porches, leaving only to eat the food that the women prepared. They remained calm and waited.

They waited for an announcement that everything would be all right, or wouldn't be.

They waited for instructions.

They waited until they were told what would happen.

And so, it was decided that something must be done to quell the minds of the population. The Leaders appeared on all forms of media and sent out a message to confirm that what the People had been hearing and reading was indeed true.

It was real but It was, however, The Scientists were brought in to explain, a last resort. It was something to be used when every other option had been exhausted. But no situation would ever arise that the Leaders could not resolve, they concluded, and so there was nothing for the People to fear.

The Leaders assured the People that they will always be provided with information of not only this type of situation, but of any disaster the Nation may face. The People would always be safe.

Everything seemed to be the same as it ever was and the People went outside and the Children played and the Adults returned to Work. They felt foolish and ashamed, but soon were able to laugh at their fear and paranoia. They enjoyed life like never before.

There was no more talk among them of It and the Leaders never mentioned It again, sending messages only of peace and prosperity in the world. The People had never been happier.

The sun was shining and children played. Birds perched on fences watching the old men toss bread crumbs on the ground.
Then someone pushed the Button.

what the hell is it?

2011-03-01T22:39:00.002-06:00

IN MY IDLE TIME I have been pondering such things as art and creation and fiction and lies and truths...the usual. And I have not come to any concrete solutions or conclusions other than that in order to discover for my self what the hell it is, I must be able to view it from all angles, most importantly (I think), from the inside.
However, this is an intense time for us all right now, what with protests in the Middle East, earthquakes, floods, rising food and gas prices, etc. Either we need art (good art, that is) more than ever right now, or it's the last thing that we need.

I am not able to go into this further as I must return to work.

The End is Near

2010-12-21T08:15:00.003-06:00

The end of the year that is...and with it comes that eternal promise of a new and better year that will be better than the last. And so comes the point where I, like many people in this glorious new age of global communication and opinion sharing, will say "this year, i'm gonna blog every damn day".
But I'm not sure that I will say that. Because I don't want to build up the expectations of you, my faithful reader, and I don't want to, as they say, write a check that my ass can't cash.

So with that, I will gather my thoughts and perhaps write something later on today or tomorrow, or maybe never again on blogger, blogspot, whatever the hell this place is called.
Or I may surprise you and decide that I will jump on the New Year's Resolution bandwagon after all and fill each and every day of 2011 with a bit of witticism and criticism and pessimistic optimism.
-ERT 12.21.10

02.09.2010

2010-02-09T07:19:00.003-06:00

In homage to my wife, I will begin this post with the fact that I really have nothing to say, but that's okay. Sometimes it has to start with that and in time, maybe even in the same post, a pattern of ideas will appear and it will become evident that in fact there is much to be said. So I will get the boring stuff out of the way and hope for the best.
It's 7:25 a.m. on Tuesday. It's snowing and it's cold. I'm planning on taking a nap after I finish this because I didn't sleep well, if at all. My head is stuffy and slightly achey, but it's not too bad. That's another reason why I'd like to nap.
Anyway, I have to go to work in about 7 hours. Hopefully the snow will let up or at least will break for a bit.

Do my words matter? Does this little exercise mean anything other than giving my fingers and my brain or mind or whatever, something to do? Better yet, are the words even real? By that, I am inquiring as to whether or not the final product is what I am really meaning to say or just what I think I should say. And if I'm going to travel down this particular path, what "I" is writing these words?
Simply put, is it the experiences and influences and knowledge of 34 years that is writing these words?
But is there more that just that?
Is there something "older" that is the source of this act? Something "wiser" than just my narrow experience that is "speaking" through me? I can be truthful and boring and document my day to day life in mind numbing detail with these words. Or I can create elaborate lies to entertain. Isn't that what the words were for, originally?
In the beginning, they sat around the fire. Possibly they grunted, like apes and other animals do. Our cat, for example, communicates with us, but she has no words. At least none that we as humans are able to understand. Perhaps as they sat around the fire, they did not grunt. Perhaps they were silent and merely stared into the flame and looked around at each other and at the world around them. During that time, what was going on in their brains? What was "going through their minds"? Nothing? Did they "hear voices" but, having no reference in the outside world for that experience, as they "learned" to communicate with one another, is that where the stories came from?
Stories of creation, maybe.
Or stories "explaining" what happens after someone dies. (I'm reminded of the scene in the movie "The Invention of Lying" where he is sitting in the hospital with his dying mother)
People, or whatever you want to call our earliest ancestors (I'm not going to bring scientific terms into this because I don't feel it necessary to label things accurately, at least for now.) were being born and dying long before there were words to explain what those things "meant". Before the words, there was just the experience. No rhyme or reason, just the way things were. Maybe some innate need to continue the species. Something built in, but not understood in the way that we have understanding.
Was there a point when the inner light clicked on? Some defining moment when A was able to convey an idea, a "thought" to B? And B to C and so on and so forth, until it spread like a virus?
I'm sure that there is scientific data to support this. But that's not really what I'm going for here. I'm not interested in how recently this process has occurred. I want to know about the first "thought". The first idea, the first words. How and why did the silence become grunts become words.
Obviously, communication became necessary to point out good places to hunt and find food and shelter. Like the queen bee sending out scouts.
I can't stay on one track because my mind isn't processing the ideas properly.
In a way, I feel that as I go down one line of thinking my mind or "the mind" has already down the tracks ahead of time so that I have a place to go. If I think about this, then it leads to that. And there is a school of thought ready to confirm or deny my ideas.
I'm going to end it here.

her fearful symmetry

2009-09-15T08:56:00.004-05:00

TO WHOEVER
ISN'T MY WIFE THAT
READS THIS
AND HASN'T READ THE BOOK,
http://www.amazon.com/Her-Fearful-Symmetry-Audrey-Niffenegger/dp/1439165394
THE FOLLOWING POST
IS VERY
SPOILERY!!!

First off, I didn't hate it; it kept my attention and I read Part 3 in one night.
The title had a lot of different connotations; with the twins(both sets), the relationsips of the parents/children, the relationships of the various couples, the soul/body, life/death, love/hate, sanity/insanity...it's all there.
It started out well, the introduction of the characters was handled with patience and weren't all thrown at you at once. The twins gradually accepted their invitation to London after consideration, and the scenes of Chicago and London were interspersed well.
I really liked Martin and Julia giving him "vitamins" and him going along with it. And it was nice how that didn't "fix" him; just gradually subdued his crazy. I would have liked to have seen more of the Martin/Julia relationship (the platonic one).
The settings and descriptions of everything and everyone were vivid without being wordy.
I "saw" everything. It was obvious that the twins had a deep connection and I liked the idea that they were mirror images, to the extent of the reverse placement of Valentina's innards.

Elspeth's "appearance" and her afterlife was unveiled slowly and with care. I liked the descriptions of Elspeth and her after-life dilemmas and her attempts at communication and her experience of death. Some of her appearances were genuinely creepy and chilling (no pun); I wished that she wasn't trapped in the flat and maybe could've met some other ghosts or a spiritualist or something. It was mentioned that James had a belief in the supernatural, and Robert was shown to be open minded. But when the writing started getting more otherworldly, it seemed liked she held back. Maybe Elspeth being trapped in the flat was an unconscious decision made on the part of the author, because she couldn't free her self and write more fanatastically.
It seemed to me, although this is purely speculative, that the author's belief system doesn't include the supernatural as the talk of afterlives and spiritual stuff was quite minimal, especially considering a cemetery was a main location. But at the same time, she had an interesting take on ghosts and what they're made up of...or not made of.
In the "Acknowledgements" page, there are an awful lot of people of varying fields who she thanks for their input and information. Maybe it was a "too many cooks" situation and she didn't draw on her own imagination enough.

The "twist" surpised me, but in a "What?! Oh, come on!" way and it seemed thrown in just so she could wrap everything up.
The ending few chapters were anticlimactic and felt rushed and the characters stopped being real and became characters in a book again.
The death and "resurrection" didn't go as far as I thought it might, since that's where I thought the story would go and the weird twists would occur. I knew that possession was going to figure in, once Elspeth found out that she could go into the television, and that it would've been Valentina that would have been her victim since she was physically weaker. But what if it turned out that she was actually the stronger twin spiritually, and Elspeth would've been forced to possess Julia? Or that everyone thought it was Valentina that died (they were twins), but it really was Julia who Elspeth took the soul out of? Maybe even accidentally?
I thought that she would masquerade as Valentina (or Julia) for awhile until Julia (or Valentina or Edie even) would find out and maybe Martin would figure in somehow, that he would go to Amsterdam to seek out Marijke becuase she has paranormal abilities or she would come back from Amsterdam with someone who did. Or that the twins connection (maybe both sets) would be more ESP-ey. I thought the mention of the bell system of the victorians would factor in to the "resurrection". Since i read alot of horror/fantasy, maybe that's why I didn't like it as much as you did and why I expected more of that stuff.
So why all of a sudden, and at the end, were there other ghosts just hanging out, riding crows?? Where the hell was that 200 pages ago?
And if it wasn't going to have more ghosts, it could've had a better love story. Elspeth wasn't particularly nice, as even Robert pointed out later, so why would he want her back? Why would he allow Elspeth near her, especially since he was in love with Valentina (or was he in love with her image and similarities to Elspeth) and since she was trapped in the flat? And why couldn't she leave the flat? She could walk through doors. If she could go into a drawer, why couldn't she go in a box and be taken outside? In time, couldn't she have been able to possess anyone? Or did it have to be family? I guess when a book leaves you with questions, it's a good thing.

On the Last Day

2009-05-05T14:08:00.002-05:00

a poem i wrote based on a dream i might've had.
if it has a soundtrack to accompany it, it's anything by Explosions in the Sky.

On the last day it was sunny and warm.
They fell to the ground laughing,
together
alone.
They couldn't hear
the explosions,
the chaos.
The earth trembled.
He held her close.
An airplane soared,
doors on its belly
opened wide.
They whispered final kisses.
Then everything was gone.

overly sensitive

2009-03-21T15:53:00.001-05:00

I was going to write about the "controversy" regarding President Obama's remark, comparing his bowling skills to the Special Olympics. It was going to contain something about people being too goddam sensitive about every little thing that is said. And about how everyone has to apologize for every statement they make that is offensive to someone else. And including something along the lines of certain people, mostly but not limited to Americans, and how they need to grow the fuck up and stop crying about their hurt feelings.
But I don't feel like getting into it. So I'll leave it at this:
It's your choice to allow your self to be offended.
It's your choice to let someone hurt your feelings.

dream

2009-02-14T17:22:00.002-06:00

i am entering a pyramid with a bunch of other people, possibly a guide or two. upon entering, i immediately feel the difference between the outside and the interior of the pyramid.

that needs to be said, because normally in dreams (at least in my dreams), there is no sense of temperature (or smell, but that needn't apply here). and to be fair, it's not like i "felt" heat or dampness, but i "sensed" it. and in a dream, i suppose the two are the same.

we are in the pyramid, this ancient of ancient tombs. i'm looking around, or as much as one can "look" because there are no lights and the only means of illumination i possess at the moment is the tiny flashlight on my pocket-knife. but it needs batteries, so the light is very dim. it's enough though and i see, not sarcophagi, but mummified people everywhere. i don't recall entirely, but they may have been in chairs or in beds, like they were mummified where they were, possibly immediately upon death. and possibly, some were still alive under the wraps.
as i was dreaming this scene, living it in my mind, it seemed important; like something i should remember when i wake up. it seemed like there was something to be found, some wisdom or some information that i needed. but as it turns out, i only just remembered the dream a few seconds before i wrote this.

01.02.09

2009-01-02T11:26:00.002-06:00

going along with N's watching for signs, there was a communication that i received, in response to yesterday's ramblings.
it wasn't an actual response, just a coincidence. or maybe not.
it was a request for a virtual friendship from someone who never failed to surprise me, most recently with hypocrisy. but hypocrisy isn't a surprise to me anymore; after all, we're all hypocrites in our own ways.
it doesn't mean anything.
i could accept or ignore it and it wouldn't change anything.
it hasn't anything to do with being childish or being the bigger man or forgiveness.
it just doesn't matter. if i can't forget the past, i can at least put it aside and not let it interfere in my future.
social networks. i don't really get them. i've never been all that good at real friendships, and now i have to try to maintain virtual ones. will it be the same? will i have to make sure to make contact on a regular basis so feelings won't be hurt and so that they know that we're still friends?
so that they don't think that i've forgotten them or that i don't care anymore?

this isn't a very good or constructive post so i'm going to let it go here.

01.01.09

2009-01-01T13:07:00.002-06:00

the first post of the new year is not going to be some soul-searching bullshit to make my self feel optimistic or to inspire hope in your hearts.
it's not going to be my promise to blog more often than last year (or the year before that).

i was asked what my new year's resolution was and i said that i didn't have one.
i have to find a job; but that's a given.
however, i think that if i have to make a resolution, it must be to not try to utilize the modern engines of search to look backward for friends or acquaintances.
to not peer inside of the life that they display on the worldwide web of images and deception. the life that is built on or, less dramatically, includes past injustices and indiscretions that they probably have forgotten.
to not try to find that which has past its prime and has lost relevance.
to not remember, often falsely, of the past glories and wondrous times that turned out to be nothing more than fodder for bitter memories.

i can not call them "friends" because that indicates a place of honor and a fondness that is lacking when the nostalgic longing is pulled aside to reveal the fraudulent nature of the relationships that i had shared, but too many times the alcohol blurred my thoughts and whispered to me cruelly what fun i was having.
what a young fool i was to believe that and to open my feelings and thoughts to those that would scorn them and in time, me. what a fool i was to allow my self to be nourished by their lies and empty promises even in times of dry sobriety.

of course i am as much to blame as anyone else, perhaps more so, for not being more guarded. but in those formative times i knew nothing of armor or protection, but instead chose to put my trust and vulnerability in the open air for all to abuse. i was forced (but ultimately by whom?) to change and modify my self to be what i thought that they wanted me to be and what i should be, without considering the fact that it was not for them to manipulate my habits and personal tics and to fool me into thinking that i was somehow wrong for having them.
and this all was during the years that would shape me into the man of my future life.
these were years that were supposed to be spent among people that genuinely wanted me around and to be around me. not just to tolerate me, or to let me tag along; but who wanted to be a part of my life and who wanted me to be part of theirs. unfortunately for me, they were part of my life and they did affect me and who i am. how was i to know that we would end up as nothing more but footnotes and punchlines.
i only wanted to be accepted, especially since i didn't have many friends to begin with. i didn't want to be alone when they had each other and went out and did stuff together. i suppose i didn't know how to be discerning in my associations. i just wanted to be normal and have fun and pass the time; live and learn, i guess.

why is that we remember this but not that? why do certain things or people stand out as "memorable" while others are "forgettable"? it's all there, every waking moment of experience, but it's not completely accessible. why is that?
i have no answer, other than for some reason all that shit, all of life's good and bad moments, are branded into the grooves in my brain, for better or for worse. if i had and educated grasp of psychology and neurology i suppose that i could understand why certain memories are more vivid than others or why certain moments are indelibly marked and filed for later use or reference.
i have no direct contact with them, only in occasional thoughts that seep into my everyday thinking without reason or warning; and i think "god why did i say that or act like that or do that?", but also "why does that brief encounter or occurrence still bother me and why does it still pop into my head, more than 10, 15 years later?".
in this age of unparalleled connectivity and communication, with facebook and myspace and all the other networks i am able to read their thoughts in words and see pictures of them, their wives, their husbands, their children, their achievements.
and after all this time if i was to contact any of them, most of the replies would say things like "well, we were all young and drunk and stupid and that was a long time ago and i don't even remember that and sorry if it bothered you and get over it and who the fuck is this anyway, etc."
which is why that isn't an option. it's my problem and i need to fix it my self. and to be truthful, i can't really understand why it still remains an issue, other than it all happened during impressionable years, even though they were a perfectly normal set of circumstances and situations for someone my age to experience. and the truth is that there was no specific "it" that happened, only a series of events that add up to heartache and wasted time and awkward moments.

10.27

2008-10-27T16:08:00.002-05:00

as humans we have not changed all that much since that day. sure, the technology that we have developed is much more advanced, but what is technology? it is a tool. a tool, like a rock was an early tool. like a hammer is a tool. tools are not themselves good or bad; that is dependent on the user. so our technology today is only as good as those who wield it. ultimately technology is what will propel humanity further in all endeavors. we could potentially bring about an end to war, poverty, ignorance, and apathy. we could eliminate tasks of menial labor that can be done by robots or computers, much like the automated assembly lines of today, but on a grander scale. that would enable people to have more leisure time and, if so inclined, lead them to great personal achievements and discoveries that could lead to a bettering of humankind in general.

or we could follow the path of religious, political, and nationalist "superiority" that will lead to further wars and loss of human life and dignity.

7.16

2008-07-16T21:54:00.002-05:00

it's been awhile again. let's not dwell on it.

so on july 4, we went to see WALL*E. i'm not one for disney flicks, what with the evilness of the corporation, but i wanted to see this one. all the reviews i skimmed (i try not to read reviews, lest it mar my enjoyment whilst viewing the movie for my self) were favorable. but even if they weren't, something deep inside told me to watch this one. maybe it was my inner child reminding my outer adult that it'd be fun, like seeing ET or STAR WARS. or maybe i just wanted to watch it.
either way, i'm glad i did. what a beautiful, sweet, and thought-provoking little movie.
however, this blog isn't for movie reviews, so all i'll say is to go see WALL*E.
on the way home we saw some fireworks and stopped at mcdonalds to grab a very late dinner.
blah blah blah.

on july 5, we took a day-trip to milwaukee. i hadn't been there in a few years and nikki, much to surprise, had never been.
she had never been to milwaukee.
paris? yep.
london? sure.
manchester? of course.
milwaukee? no, i've never been.
so we took the 90 odd minute drive. and while it wasn't totally bad, there wasn't much to do.
also, keep in mind that we ain't got much scratch, so that limits us more.
where did we eat? freakin applebee's.
what'd we do? went to a freakin mall and then went to borders.
nothing we couldn't do in chicago.
but we did check out the milwaukee art museum. it's relatively new, i think. looks a bit like a sailboat without sails collided with a cruise ship and they just left it on land and filled it with junk. i mean, modern art. to be fair, we didn't actually see any exhibits or installations or whatever they're called, because we got there late. so we just checked out the gift shop. which had the same stuff they have at the MCA, so says nikki.
summerfest was going on, but we didn't have tickets. which would've been kinda nice, seeing as tom petty was playing that night. but we just ended up hearing the cacophony of sounds created by the 3 or however many bands were playing. at once. crazy.
then we drove home.

okay, fast forward.
i haven't worked much at all which is bad.
but today we drove to indiana to drop off some stuff at nikki's mom's house. she's gonna have a garage sale this weekend (watch Craigslist for further info) so we gave her a bunch of stuff to sell.
wish us luck.
so after that, we went to west beach at the indiana dunes national park.
that's right.
i went to the beach.
and now i'm sunburned.
but hey, it beats lily-white.
we went to the beach, ate sandwiches and kicked back as the UV rays did their thing.
not terribly exciting, but it was fun.
now we're home, freshly showered and ready for bed.

7.5

2008-07-05T10:52:00.002-05:00

it is july 5. me and the nikster celebrated the anniversary of our nation's independence from those dastardly brits by watching WALL*E. i'm not going to go into an in-depth review other than to say that it's real good.

i'm going to go now because my wife is looming over me and we are going to have a day out.

7.2

2008-07-02T11:46:00.003-05:00

goddam it...i missed a day again.

yesterday was wasted with a migraine so i couldn't have typed anything anyway.

today i'm not working so me and the wife are going to go for a nice walk. we wanted to catch some rays, but it looks like it may rain. bother.

i don't have any profound or crabby thoughts today.

monday i bought a copy of "the martian chronicles" by ray bradbury for $.40 @ unique thrift store. stood in line for like 10 minutes, but it was worth it.
i guess.
i never read it.
but its bradbury so how bad could it be?
they also had a copy of his "zen and the art of writing" which i used to own until i gave it to paul klatt who doesn't like me anymore since i told him that i didn't like his screenplay and neglected to invite him to our housewarming shindig.

6.30

2008-06-30T11:35:00.002-05:00

so much for maintaining a constant blog, eh?
i find that if one states aloud that s/he will "blog everyday", that is a sure sign that it will be as sporadic as it ever was.

but that's okay. live and learn and all that rot.

today is monday. it is the last day of june and it's pretty balmy outside. i just opened a window in the solarium to confirm the validity of that statement.
i have a headache and feel nauseated so sitting at the computer isn't the best thing right now, but i feel like the words have to get out.
i will eat something as i type.

i've been craving a smoke for the last few days and have been tempted to buy a pack of lucky strikes (unfiltered...i don't know why) to keep on-hand. my better half has also mentioned this same craving, but has suggested flavored camels. we both know that (a) cigarettes are unhealthy, (b) chicago has banned smoking in bars and restaurants and everywhere that isn't your home, and (c) see (a).

speaking to my last post, i no longer want to pursue the whole advice thing.
from experience, my advice is not only unheeded (which doesn't really bother me, as advice is defined as: an opinion or recommendation offered as a guide to action, conduct, etc.), but usually just a way to fill dead air and a waste of time that might be better filled with something witty or actually informative.
and that's fine, i'm not bitter.

my aforementioned better half on the other hand, does think that there is a sort of bitterness about me and my opinions and possibly my belief system (or lack of one). this is a complicated area to get into without personal in-depth psychoanalysis and may be explored later on, in a manifesto or self-help book.
i don't believe in the political system of the united states of america. the freedom of choice is limited to democrat and republican. obviously, two choices is better than one as in the example of the zimbabwe "election". but no matter how they "fight" and "debate" each other, they're both the same.
and yes, i know, "he" is different and will revitalize the u.s. and make all kinds of great changes, etc.
maybe he will. or maybe it will be business as usual.
i don't want to get into that.

i've also been thinking about art.
i watched "pollock" yesterday and all the characterizations of the artists and critics made the real business of art dealing and collecting and creation that more...phony, for lack of a better word. it's artistic to reproduce what you see in nature.
then it becomes artistic to create images from your head that are recognizable.
then it's all about juxtaposing disparate elements and images.
then creating scenes and landscapes from memory.
then throwing around paint.
then photographs or words.
in order to find your style, you have to learn about other artists and their styles and steal from them and disregard them all at once. and it's all subjective to whatever is "in" and popular at a given moment.
you paint the sistine chapel ceiing and you're a genius.
you paint the side of a building and you're a vandal.
draw stick figures or use profane language and you're a genius.
draw stick figures or use profane language and you're immature.

and as much as art is wonderful and completely human, it's a way to make money.

what artist doesn't secretly (or openly) wish to be the next picasso, or the beatles, or stephen king (poor example i know, but you dig) and be able to live the good life on their art?
as much as the big guy plays the artist and draws good and such, all he wants is to be able to make money off his work. and he has no illusions about that.

and yes, i'm perfectly aware of art therapy and the healing power of art, but wouldn't it be nice to be able to live in such a way that all you had to do to pay the bills and eat and survive was to produce something that you enjoyed making?
why must your innermost secrets and feelings come through your books/songs/paintings/sculptures?
obviously, art with feeling is "better" than art without. i'd rather read a book or listen to music that enables you to imagine the passion or the smile or even just the sincerity on the artist's face while doing so.
for me, and this is only a personal preference, it just needs to be sincere and well-crafted and if it's meant to be something to transport you somewhere else that it does so.
if i'm watching a movie that is meant to be realistic and things occur that aren't in the least bit realistic or at least feasible in the universe that the movie exists in, i won't enjoy it. i don't like self-referential moments that break the spell of the piece. or nods to the filmmaker and his friends that are purely egotistical. but then again, it's his or her movie so they can do what they want.

i'm going to go for a walk now.

4.21

2008-04-21T16:29:00.003-05:00

okay reader(s)...get out the word; tengberg is in the online advice giving biz.
well, not exactly.
and i haven't actually started yet. but i want to.

the other day i decided that if i can't figure out my own shit (sorry, but sometimes i use naughty language), maybe i can help others figure out their own. or give them a different perspective.
of course, just because i offer advice doesn't mean any one has to take it. do with it what you will.

but i gots to get people to my blog and go from there.
right?
right.

okay. let's go.

8.1

2008-01-08T13:08:00.000-06:00

i can be happy for other people's happiness and joy that they have found in their lives, apart from me.
for a long time i have compared others' joys and successes and accomplishments to mine, or lack thereof if the case may be as such. but today, i have realized that every one has their own lives and they keep going whether i am part of their live or not. and the same is true for my self.
that i have to keep going and creating my life, even if people that i once loved or cared about are in it or not. i have to keep going, even if i have been hurt and sad in the past. i cannot dwell on the pain, and the "what could've been", and the "what i shouldn't or should've done" because those things have made me what i am and brought me to where i live now.
live. learn.

8

2008-01-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

and now the weather is rainy and still unseasonably pleasant in chicago. according to the channel 7 news the other night, the record high/low in the late 1800s was something like 56 degrees/-14 degrees.
or something to that effect. that's pretty extreme. and yet, there weren't the number of people, automobiles, factories and all the other stuff that is supposed to be causing "climate change" or "global warming" or whatever the current term is.
huh.
unfortunately, because we are experiencing such "nice" weather, somewhere else on the planet is going thru the opposite.
so let's remember that when we're running around in spring jackets and taking lunch hours outside.

7

2008-01-07T08:40:00.000-06:00

8:35 a.m.

slept little and lightly....migraines tend to do that to me.
woke at various points thru the night unsure of where or when it was, blending dreams with the reality of kitten claws digging thru the sole of my foot.

another day at video champ ahead of me, maybe a short one if cho decides to come in. another day of looking into the dead eyes of the consumers. another day of chit chat and false sincerity.
another day of yearning for a new and better life. as if better was real. no better, only different.
not unhappy with my love or my home.
only unhappy with my self and my past actions.
associations with people who pronounced friendship only to leave me by my self.
cruelty that still baffles me from one who called himself a friend. i preach about forgetting the past and moving on, but cannot also practice my words. cannot always forget how i was hurt and how i absorbed the pain, like it was just part of growing up. and no one to defend me, not even my self. what did i do to bring on such abuse and maltreatment? what happened in your life that made you take it out on me? because i was younger than you? weaker? quieter?
was it my naivete that made it easy for you to gain my trust then stab me in the back?
stabbed me in the back, repeatedly, laughing all the while, getting a kick out of hurting me. and yet, i took it and only looked for vengeance after many drinks, when my blood flowed with liquid courage and i could summon the anger. but not being able to do anything anyway. because i was pulled off, was talked down, because i was afraid of following thru.
all the while, our friendship continued. but why, i don't know. because neither of us had many friends, and that was what we had in common.
as i try to pull my self out of this sludge of recollection, i envision my new life. my married life.
my adult life. a life of joy and honesty and responsibility and one that is under my control.
big thoughts and vague ideas and outlines that excite me, but fade with the light of the real world and it's lack of concern for high ideas and creativity.
the world has no use for depressed people. they take up space with their melancholy and slow down the wheels of commerce and production. society looks down at them, asking what they have to be upset and sad about. look at how easy you have it. look at how good things are for you, especially in this country. you could be worse off, you know.
but it isn't that. it isn't the comparisons of free to third world countries or good neighborhoods to ghettos.
then what is it?
it's all that we have and yet we still want more.
more money.
more stuff.
more power.
more more.
or is it "they"?
are "they" to blame for our troubles and hardships? are "they" the ones that have it all, and still don't have enough? enough power and money and control. are "they" holding us back and keeping us down, with their sophisticated mind control powers and experiments? "their" superior technology and abilities?
are "they" adepts in black arts, or strangers from another dimension?
another planet?
do "they" seek to control every last man, woman and child of humanity for their dark purposes?
or is it the other "they"; the lesser "they" that want to keep humanity frightened and paranoid and worried about yet another "them". a "them" that want to come into our homes and steal from us and do us and our loved ones unspeakable harm. and is it "they" who would protect us from "them"?
do "they" create the fear or is it within us and they merely show it to us and exploit it? is it all completely unfounded, or is there a modicum of truth in the stereotypes of the destroyers?
is the black man going to break into the white man's home and steal his belongings and rape his wife and children; and then go and sell those material things so he can get more crack?
are the middle eastern people plotting a diabolical attack on the innocents?
are the white people the victims who have done nothing in the past and who are blessed by god?
or is none of the above, and none of it is true. that we all have had a hand in our creation and will have an equal say in our destruction. hasn't it always been the lowest, most base part of humanity that has created genocide, infanticide, hate, violence, rape, poverty, exploitation, and dictatorship, and allowed those things to continue even into this day and age?
or are "they" to blame, because we are not in control and are under "their" power?
why does "god" allow suffering?
why does "god" let bad things happen to good people?
why do some have so much and others have so little?
why does it seem so difficult sometimes, and so absurdly simple at other times?
it is just because my blood sugar is low, because i am hungry that my thoughts are stuck on these topics?

2

2008-01-02T11:46:00.001-06:00

well, judging from the lack of coverage, it seems that nothing happened of blog-worthy note in 2007. that's not exactly true.

but it is now 2008 according to some calendars so it's time for a fresh start.

voyeur

2006-06-14T12:08:00.000-05:00

voyeur
Originally uploaded by tengberg75.

tengberg's got nothing to say so he'll speak through mr. reznor

2005-06-21T15:12:00.000-05:00

"Sunspots"

Sunspots cast a glare in my eyes

Sometimes I forget I'm alive

I feel it coming and I've gotta get out of its way

I hear it calling and I come 'cause I can't disobey

I should not listen and I shouldn't believe

But I do

Yes I do

She turns me on

She makes me real

I have to apologize

For the way I feel

My life, it seems has taken a turn

Why in the name of god would I ever want to return

Peel off our skin we're gonna burn what we were to the ground

Fuck in the fire and we'll spread the ashes around

I wanna kill away the rest of what's left and I do

Yes I do

She turns me on

She makes me real

I have to apologize

For the way I feel

And nothing can stop me now

There is nothing to fear

And everything I'd ever want

Is inside a tear

Now I just stare into the sun

And I see everything I've done

I think I could've been someone

But I can't stop what has begun

When everything is said and done

And there is no place left to run

I think I used to be someone

Now I just stare into the sun

post-migraine euphoria

2005-05-18T00:01:00.001-05:00

so on craig's list i was called a hypocrite and moron, idiot and an asshole because of my previous posts. a moron and hypocrite for my "MOBist" post; apparently i can't suggest that people be more attentive to their own affairs and stop being led by the media/pop culture because that's telling people what to do and henceforth not minding my own business. catch-22, i believe.
and i was called an idiot and an asshole for my "cell phone ban" post because apparently pointing out the faults of other drivers that are not as well trained as i, is being an asshole. the idiot part probably is because i'm wasting my time with CL in the first place. so that's it. people don't want my creative suggestions and criticisms, they don't need them. apparently CL is good for people who want to brag about the size of their cocks, their hatred of whatever minority, their obvious mental superiority when it comes to criticizing others' taste in music or movies....blah blah blah blah fucking blah.

that said, i can put that bit behind me and move on to bigger and better things. i can begin writing my book that will be published. time to think bigger. time to create god fucking damn it.
that said, i will drink my killian's and put it together. i was going to post the above on CL but that would just lead to more big-balled jerkoffs giving me what for. don't need that. i've been put in my place and know it. i've lost the battle.

ranting and raving because i care so much it fucking hurts

2005-05-13T00:36:00.000-05:00

we would all be a lot better off if we would all just mind our own business. stop worrying about everyone else is doing with their lives and stop trying to tell others what they should/shouldn't do and what they are doing wrong. everyone has to find their own way. stop worrying about if you have the same things as him or if he has better stuff. stop worrying about what rock star is fucking what movie star. stop caring about people who don't care about you. stop letting the television tell you who you should care about. let's all fucking grow up and stop acting like spoiled goddam kids who cry when they don't get their way. stop the elitist shit. stop being exclusionists. stop worrying about everyone else's souls. stop looking outward and start looking at yourself. stop being assholes to one another. stop being afraid to ask for help because of what people will think. stop being afraid to help because of what people will think. stop acting like knowledge is only for the privileged. stop being snobby because someone can't spell as well as you or doesn't always use proper grammar or because they have an accent. we all have a chance to make this planet livable and hospitable. we are all here and we all have to share this place, whether we like it or not. regardless of what our parents or grandparents or teachers taught us, we are in this together. no one is better than anyone else, because there is no one to judge us or compare whether xians are right or muslims are right. or if being gay is wrong. or if having sex is bad.
it's oversimplified maybe, but you get the picture.

sick of all this mindless bureaucratic bullshit

2005-05-13T00:07:00.000-05:00

maybe i'm just looking for something to bitch about...as if i need to look for something. just because bad, careless, inattentive drivers will have an earpiece instead of phone glued to their head, they will still be bad, careless, inattentive drivers talking on a phone. complaining about that guy at work or laughing about what little johnny did today or asking about dinner or whatever banal idiocy they spout. and who really drives with their hands on 10 and 2? and i read somewhere that because of airbags, it's supposed to be 3 and 9. but how hard is driving a car, especially since almost everyone has power steering?
now we are being told what we can and can't do inside our own cars??? fuck that!

those same people are the ones, when they're not even on phones, who don't look when backing out of parking spaces. who don't yield to pedestrians. who don't stop completely at stop signs. who don't look when they are turning left or right. who change lanes without checking to see if it's clear. why? because, these are the people that the world revolves around. they are the ones who expect others to watch out for. they are the ones who always have the right of way. they are the ones who "we" should wait for and yield to. fuck that too!

they are the same assholes who exhale impatiently when the line moves too slow for them. they are the same assholes who yell and point fingers at the cashier who tells them that they misread the ad or coupon or sign. they are the ones who refuse to be wrong. they are the assholes who expect something for any inconvenience. they are the assholes who are always in a hurry because they have to be "somewhere". and the rest of us have to suffer because there are more assholes than anyone else.

slow down, let them kill themselves.

optical narcissism

2005-04-27T01:49:00.000-05:00

maybe i'm all messed up

2005-04-03T23:14:00.000-05:00

i'm drunk
and right now i am so in love with you
and i don't want to think too much about what we should or shouldn't do
lay my hands on Heaven and the sun and the moon and the stars
while the devil wants to fuck me in the back of his car
nothing quite like the feel of something new

maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up in you
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up in you
maybe i'm all messed up
this is the only time i really feel alive
this is the only time i really feel alive

i swear
i just found everything i need
the sweat in your eyes the blood in your veins are listening to me
well i want to wrap it up and swim in it until i drown
my moral standing is lying down
nothing quite like the feel of something new

maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up in you
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up
maybe i'm all messed up in you

maybe i'm all messed up
this is the only time i really feel alive
this is the only time i really feel alive
maybe i'm all messed up in you
this is the only time i really feel alive
this is the only time i really feel alive
this is the only time i really feel alive
this is the only time i really feel alive

*t.reznor

how much is too much?

2005-03-24T02:07:00.000-06:00

we all, with the advent of the internet (and especially with the 'blog') know too much. we know things about each other via a webpage. we know superficial details of each others lives and loves and more intimate things, if the person deems that fitting to be posted. we know more things about each other than we would learn through a face to face conversation. we learn things that maybe we shouldn't know, but if someone puts it for the world to see, then i suppose it's alright then. is it? we can find out what others have been up to, just by logging on to their page, blog, journal, whatever. we don't have to talk to each other anymore. just check out their site, their blog, their online journal. they'll tell you all you want to know, and some things you wished you hadn't found out. they'll tell you all they want you and anyone else who reads it, to know.
we know too much about rock stars, movie stars, so that we can't enjoy their work with the detachment that should be involved in the enjoyment of music or movies. we know too much about their personal lives, through tabloids and the 'news'. we know about their relationships, their children, the details of their lives that have no bearing on their work or art. or does it? does it impair our judgement of a performance because we know who this person is or was fucking? what they do in their personal lives? what kind of drugs they are or were on? what brand of blue jeans they were? the names of their children? their political stance? their religious beliefs? what difference does it make? personally, i can't watch a mel gibson movie because of his blatant and forceful views on xianity. so in my case, yes, too much information does make a difference. should it? i don't know. i'm not here to make judgements. just observations.
can a capitalist enjoy a piece of music written and performed by someone with know connections to communism? can a pro-lifer watch a performance by an actor who is publicly pro-choice and now make a judgement of said performance based on personal feelings?

i just watched the film "the shape of things", written and directed by neil labute, who adapted it from his stage play. it was absolutely fantastic. it has given me a lot to mull over, in terms of morality, loyalty, art and emotional detachment of the artist, life and emotional detachment, love, personality, image (the one we project to the world and the one projected on us by the world). this is where the ideas above came from partly. also just my current musings that have rotating around my brain.
knowlege is power.
imagination is more important than knowledge.
therefore imagination is power.
whatever is created in the mind, if it can be brought out into the world in some form...

that says it all

2005-03-01T15:33:00.000-06:00

Any work that aspires, however humbly, to the condition of art should carry its justification in every line.

-joseph conrad

"the boy done wrong again"

2005-02-24T02:50:00.000-06:00

belle and sebastian

The boy done wrong again

Hang your head in shame and cry your life away

The boy done wrong again

Hang your head in shame and cry your life away

Are you ok now?

On Saturday I was an angel shining fair

You shone louder, longer

You put my shine to shame

Put me to shame now

Put me to shame

What is it I must do to pay for all my crimes?

What is it I must do?

I would do it all the time

All I wanted was to sing the saddest songs

If somebody sings along I will be happy now

The woodland spring will put the darkness from your thinking

If this town's your sinking ship

Then you know where to jump

Talking dirty, for a hobby it's fine

So pour another glass of wine

I'll think of England this time

All I wanted was to sing the saddest songs

If somebody sings along I will be happy now

2005-02-23T14:40:00.000-06:00

some people search for eternal life. some desire immortality. me, sometimes i try to think how i'm going to get through another day, let alone another 50 years or so. if the first 30 have taken this long, the next decades will..........
another day, another performance of the pantomine of mundanity. i had to get that phrase down before i forgot it.

chew on this

2005-02-23T02:39:00.000-06:00

i'm thinking of starting a new religion, my religion. but what would i call it? what would my tenets be? aren't there enough religions already? aren't they responsible for a lot of what is wrong with the world? haven't the followers of the major religions made enough war and caused enough deaths and just generally been a bunch of shit-disturbers? i think so. and if i had a religion, whose to say that it wouldn't get fucked up, like the one that jesus tried to start. christianity was a good idea, jesus had good ideas, simple ideas. but over time, it got blown out of proportion and perverted by people claiming to be "good". shame. same thing i suppose with mohammed and even buddha. what they taught and what they believed were good "answers" to lifes woes and troubles, through time, got confused by people adding their own spin to it. adding and subtracting. taking away the soul of the religion, the soul of the words of the founders. twisting their words to suit some other agenda, to further the division of people of all colors and beliefs. so what would i be doing? tellling people that this is how you should live, and what i believe is what you should believe. then people will turn my ideas into anti-christian/anti-semitic/anti-islam/anti-black/anti-whatever you want me to be against.
fuck that. i have no ideas to save the world. i don't want to save the world. i don't want to rule the world.
live and let live, i say, and everything will (eventually, but probably not in our lifetimes) balance out and fall into place. let things be imperfect, let the chips fall where they may and stop trying to change everything and control everything and everybody.
live and let live, follow your own path and don't try to drag me with if i don't want to go. but stop trying to prolong the life of those who don't want to live. if someone wants to die, let them. if someone wants to abort a pregnancy, let her. if someone doesn't want to do it anymore, respect their wishes. this took a turn i didn't expect. but if we could all just mind our own business and leave people to their own devices i think that we'd be better off. however, there will still be those that desire to do bad and evil and vile things. they should be removed from society. there shouldn't be appeals, and mis-trials, and whatever perversions of the so called law that occur on a daily basis. we need to thin the herd. child molesters and rapists should be the first to go. instead of worrying about some guy smoking a little dope now and then and tossing him in jail, we should be focusing on the sick fucks in society. the real dregs. the true scum. and by we, i don't mean americans, or police or whatever. i mean "us". everyone. call it vigilanteism or frontier justice. i like to think of it as darwinism. if people are really concerned about child molesters and rapists and murderers living in their neighborhoods, and if the police "can't" do anything about it, then...
police officers are just people doing a job. sure, there are some good cops, some decent humans with badges, but there are also some that abuse the power that we give them. but we're supposed to look up to these people and to teach our children to respect them. they are the true heroes, so says the talking heads and the newspaper columnists. so why are they wasting time pulling over people for not wearing seat belts, or exceeding the speed limit, or whatever minor bullshit infraction they decide to enforce at a given time? because that is where they hurt us. they punish us by taking our time, maybe making us late for work, and taking our hard earned money. that is the best way to dole out punishments in a capitalist society. take our survival tickets, our tickets that allow us to buy our food, to buy our shelter, our clothes, our diversions, our needs, our wants. punish us the only way they can. if we lived in a totalitarian state then they could use other means. but a hitler, or a stalin, or chairman mao, they're not just boogeymen to scare the good, free, capitalist citizen. they were real people. they did horrible things to the people that believed in their ideas. some were even elected. and if it happened once, if these types of people came to power once, it can happen again. we haven't learned as much as we should have from the past. we take the lessons that we want, we see the terrible atrocities and emphasize them so that we "never forget" but what about the events that preceded the massacres, the concentration camps, the rallies, the beatings in the street by jack-booted thugs? the terrorist attacks on september 11 didn't just come out of the blue, there were events and circumstances that led up to it that we may never know about. but why should we care? we are witnesses to the atrocity, as it happens for fuck's sake, and therefore our emotions take over. we must retaliate! we must fight back! we must get them before they get us again!
so it's been almost 4 years and what has changed, other than bills and laws and increased "security" and more video cameras? have we found bin laden? who? what about those poor saps in camp x-ray that don't deserve a trial, because they are "enemy combatants"?
i don't want followers. i don't want my words twisted. this post alone could start some shit if anyone read it that didn't know me.

2005-02-23T01:20:00.000-06:00

arthur miller
10/17/1915 - 2/10/2005

hunter s. thompson
6/18/1937 - 2/20/2005

"get me away from here i'm dying"

2005-02-23T01:06:00.000-06:00

"get me away from here i'm dying" belle and sebastian

Ooh! Get me away from here I'm dying

Play me a song to set me free

Nobody writes them like they used to

So it may as well be me

Here on my own now after hours

Here on my own now on a bus

Think of it this way

You could either be successful or be us

With our winning smiles, and us

With our catchy tunes, and us

Now we're photogenic

You know, we don't stand a chance

Oh, I'll settle down with some old story

About a boy who's just like me

Thought there was love in everything and everyone

You're so naive!

After a while they always get it

They always reach a sorry end

Still it was worth it as I turned the pages solemnly, and then

With a winning smile, the boy

With naivety succeeds

At the final moment, I cried

I always cry at endings

Oh, that wasn't what I meant to say at all

From where I'm sitting, rain

Washing against the lonely tenement

Has set my mind to wander

Into the windows of my lovers

They never know unless I write

"This is no declaration, I just thought I'd let you know goodbye"

Said the hero in the story

"It is mightier than swords

I could kill you sure

But I could only make you cry with these words"

it seems appropriate right now

2005-02-06T23:17:00.000-06:00

Come gather 'round people
Wherever you roam
And admit that the waters
Around you have grown
And accept it that soon
You'll be drenched to the bone.
If your time to you
Is worth savin'
Then you better start swimmin'
Or you'll sink like a stone
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come writers and critics
Who prophesize with your pen
And keep your eyes wide
The chance won't come again
And don't speak too soon
For the wheel's still in spin
And there's no tellin' who
That it's namin'.
For the loser now
Will be later to win
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come senators, congressmen
Please heed the call
Don't stand in the doorway
Don't block up the hall
For he that gets hurt
Will be he who has stalled
There's a battle outside
And it is ragin'.
It'll soon shake your windows
And rattle your walls
For the times they are a-changin'.
Come mothers and fathers
Throughout the land
And don't criticize
What you can't understand
Your sons and your daughters
Are beyond your command
Your old road is
Rapidly agin'.
Please get out of the new one
If you can't lend your hand
For the times they are a-changin'.
The line it is drawn
The curse it is cast
The slow one now
Will later be fast
As the present now
Will later be past
The order is
Rapidly fadin'.
And the first one now
Will later be last
For the times they are a-changin'.

-bob dylan

it's almost over

2005-02-06T22:44:00.001-06:00

rock is not dead it's in a state of eternal recurrence. after the white man stole it from the brothers it took on many forms but it cannot die. and as i sit here and listen to interpol, there is still a chance.

whatever. like i'm some fucking rock critic. but then again, aren't we all of one kind or another? it's so much easier to criticize than it is to create. and if you're criticizing/critiquing something, that something is already out there and has been completed. you (collective, i'm not trying to single anyone out) are only giving your opinion about finished product that is already in the consumer's fat paws. and if you don't like it and think you can do better, then do so. smartass.

i started to write my memoirs today while i sat at the hell-hole for 13 hours. so far it's pretty uninteresting, at least to me. mostly childhood memories and trying to figure out why i don't seem to have any childhood memories before age four.

i need to get people hip to my blarney that i'm spitting out here. speaking of blarney, watch or better yet, buy "my left foot" w/daniel day lewis. he plays a hard drinking (through a straw) cerebral palsy afflicted lad who paints and writes and types and kicks ass with his left foot. seems that's the only part of him that he has complete control over. fucking inspirational and beautiful. it's a true story. oh, and the blarney segue was for the fact that he lives in dublin with 5 or 7 brothers and sister and parents. and he falls in love and gets fucked over.

"in speech therapy, i could teach you to say 'fuck off' more clearly."

oh yeah. i need to get people reading this. spread the word. it will get better. i promise. and this will probably alienate but i don't care; why does everyone have a hard-on for poker lately? why is poker suddenly cool? in my opinion, poker is for old men who have nothing to talk about anymore but still like to hang out with their buddies (be it army, drinking, or butt). man, i'm in rare form today. seriously, poker? sitting around gambling, smoking cigars, playing cards, bluffing, raising, calling. you can have it.

testing

2005-01-31T15:22:00.000-06:00

this is to see if i can really post to my blog from my email.

The "what should be" never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no "what should be," there is only what is. - Lenny Bruce (1925 - 1966)

Do you Yahoo!?
Yahoo! Search presents - Jib Jab's 'Second Term'

venting

2004-11-23T01:16:00.000-06:00

these are no ''end times''. there won't be a ''rapture''. all of the ''good souls'' won't be taken up to ''heaven'' and the ''bad souls'' won't be cast into ''hell''. there won't be a ''final battle between 'good and evil'''. sorry to disappoint the xians out there, i know how much they're looking forward to ''armageddon''. if this world is so miserable, ''heaven'' will be so much better...why don't they just jump off a cliff like the lemmings they are? speed up the process.
and you know what, i wish all these fundamentalist wackos (xians, jews, muslims, etc.) would just do the rest of us a favor and kill each other and get it over with so the rest of us can get on with our lives. then we can work towards a better world w/o organized religion and end the brainwashing.